TIE THE CONVICTS UP IN NOTTS BOYS!

This last week has seen a hat trick of defeats for the Convicts! First prize must go to 2nd division Hampshire who beat Captain Waugh and his smug bastards in 3 days in a nail biting win with just 9 balls to go, giving them their first win over the Convicts since 1912! Second prize of defeats goes to our 4x200m freestyle team at the World Championships in Japan, our girls won gold after both the Convicts and Yanks were disqualified and gave us our first swimming gold medal in 26 years. Finally, third prize must go to our Colonial cousins, who so sweetly avenged the Lions for us in Pretoria last Saturday in the Tri-Nations, thereafter Convict PM, Howard announced the retirement of Wally(be) Captain Eales. In this country our PM might give an obit to a great sporting figure as John Major did when Johnners died in 1994 saying "summers will never be the same again" without the voice of the great man on Test Match Special, but the Convict PM announcing a players retirement (following a defeat!!) before the due date, 1st Sept (when the Convicts meet the Sheep Shaggers in the Sydney Stadium) is vainglorious in the extreme.

The 3rd Test in the Ashes series is at Trent Bridge this week and we are once again without Naz, still injured with a broken finger, courtesy of Jason Gillespie and Thorpie who received a broken hand from Brett Lee at Lords. If these injuries had been inflicted off the field, the Convicts would be up on assault charges, these crims have no conscience so perhaps our boys should be suing for damages? Athers takes charge again, and to quote Convict Lillee "a double-headed coin would be useful!" Usman Afzaal gets a run out on his home turf and he lists amongst his hobbies, praying(!), young lad you need to spend more time practicing this hobby for your team and country if we are to get a half decent change to win this Test!

Much amusement has been had in the press the last few days over the Convicts’ coach, Buchanan who wrote a memo to his players ridiculing England and quoting an ancient Chinese warlord, Sun Tzu, Mark Waugh took one look and threw it in the bin, no doubt baffled by this bullshit metaphor. Buchanan should have just said "continue to break bones and keep up the bullying", his team might just have understood such straight talk?!

Shane Wank has been giving interviews this week in order to publicize his book and quotes "I am not an intelligent person, I have never read a book. When I read I can’t remember what was on the page before". What right has he then to call this book "My Autobiography"(?) since he obviously has had help writing it. Wank boasts about his bullying abilities (Convicts call it sledging, but then we have to excuse them for bastardising our language) and mentions a run in he had with South Africa’s Brian McMillan who turned to Wank after he had called him "Depardieu" (as he looks a bit like the Frog actor) and said "listen, a lot of people go missing in SA and one more won’t be noticed", he later threatened to use Wank for bait when he went shark fishing! Wank has also become the official supporter for Home and Away (a crappy Convict soap opera) which is sponsored by Bodyform, one wonders how long Wank has been using sanitary towels?!

One of Trent Bridge’s prominent members is their local MP, Ken Clarke who is expected to win the Tory leadership nomination next month. B-liar is shitting himself at the prospect of Ken winning as he knows he will receive a weekly verbal buggering at the despatch box and Ken with 15 years of ministerial experience in the last Tory government will no doubt twist the knife with great relish and expertise! Politics is a benign form of sport that the electorate has recently turned its back on, prompted by the deceit of the government spin doctors (B-liar’s chief spin doctor used to write articles for the sex magazine Forum and then became an employee of publishing crook Robert Maxwell!). Channel 4’s award winning coverage of Test Cricket has lost 3.5m viewers since our fantastic win over the Windies last summer and Ken only needs that same number at the next election to give him victory. One poignant quote from the late Enoch Powell comes to mind, "all political careers end in failure" and the same can be said about great sportsmen and teams. So, we should take heart that our country will one day kick B-liar into touch and since we have adopted Rod Marsh as an honorary Englishman to run our new Cricket Academy, the Ashes will one of these days come home.